the struggles of selective mutism

All of us are facing daily challenges. It only differs in the gravity and levels depending on how we handle the situations that life is offering us. As an educator and a formator, I'm concerned about the cases of referrals in my office. These are students that need to be closely monitored from time to time.
Few of the cases that i'm handling right now are AD/HD, oppositional defiant disorder, stealing and the most challenging is selective mutism (SM). Based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV), selective mutism is described as a rare psychological mental disorder in children. Children and adults with the disorder are fully capable of speech and understanding language, but can fail to speak in certain social situations when it is expected of them. It is in presentation an inability to speak in certain situations. They function normally in other areas of behavior and learning, though appear withdrawn and some are unable to participate in group activities. As an example, a child may be completely silent at school, for years at a time, but speak quite freely or even excessively at home (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selective_mutism).
My student has suffered in this disorder for more than two years now since she was enrolled in our school in 2008. I met her a month ago. At first, I didn't realize that she has SM because she greeted her former guidance counselor together with her elder sister as they sneaked on her office. It was only a few minutes later after they left when my officemate told me that she has SM and she's going to be one of the cases I'll handle this school year. I was amaze for she could speak to us freely. And so, I set an appointment with her previous counselor and she relayed everything to me regarding her condition.

She only speaks at home and in most of the public places except in school. If ever she does, it will be a very rare instance and it is with those people whom she trusts specifically those who were/are not her teachers (sister and best friend). I also scanned on her records and discovered that her IQ is superior but her actual performance is only an average. This clearly shows that she's underachieving from her actual intellectual capacity which is superior. It maybe due to her condition because a number of learning opportunities are missed since social skills and communication are major issues in school if one wants to cope with academic demands. I also learned that she has a "trauma" on the school she previously enrolled and this affected her views about it. Bullying and teacher-factor are few of the major concerns she had experienced in that school. Her emotional coping is very low and underdeveloped. This shows on how she manages herself in social situations especially in dealing with difficult scenarios. Based on her records, she was 7 months younger than her age group when she started schooling. However, we could say that her age could be one factor on why she has poor emotional coping. This is a kind of struggle which she might carry until she reaches adolescence and worst yet, in adulthood if not given an immediate help.

As part of the intervention, I went on a meeting with her subject teachers and class moderator. We discussed about the matter and came up with a plan to help her overcome SM. I also referred her to a counselling psychologist for an assessment and I found out important details in the results of her tests. I can’t reveal the entire and actual results here due to issues on confidentiality. However, it is suggested that in dealing with her, people must treat her with utmost care in terms of giving instructions and conversing with her even if she doesn’t talk. There might also be other activities that I’ll be giving which would largely involve her family, friends, classmates and teachers.

Meanwhile, I called her the other day for another session in my office and she mentioned to me about an oral test that she will undertake a few minutes after our session. So, I took that opportunity to make her realize that it’s okay to talk and presented her some possible consequences. I set a goal for her and she agrees to it freely.

On the night of the same day, I receive an email coming from the teacher who gave her the oral test and reported to me how successful it was. Though, she was still accompanied by her sister during the test, she was able to answer the questions asked by her teacher verbally. Hence, this is considered a progress in her condition. I’m so happy to know that our intervention had helped her in some way. I’m hoping that this improvement will continue and eventually she will recover from this dark phase of her life.

the bed... in my dream

its been quite awhile that i haven't touched my blogspot account when i started drafting this post. it creeps me off whenever i remember this experience that i am about to unveil which happened more than a month ago now.
its a usual schedule during summer to have an annual retreat for school staff before the school year starts. this time, its at "saloma sa kinaiyahan", situated in catalunan grande, davao city which is owned by the franciscan sisters. however, i thought everything will be just any ordinary retreat i attended before until one haunting, unforgettable night.
it was my first night of stay at the place when this thing happened. we were four in a spacious room with seven beds and two wardrobe cabinets at each end. it was humid so we had a hardtime sleeping. at 9 o' clock, i did my usual night rituals and also had a few short conversations with roomates before i began to close my eyes. because i'm not used to that kind of temperature, i occasionally wakes up in between. my bed was situated just below the window. it's facing the side part of the cabinet which is placed before the door. my other roomates' beds are arranged on the other side of the room. therefore, i'm alone at my area. after a number of sleeping interruptions, i finally sublime to sleep and dreamed.... but it was a terrifying one. almost brought me to danger.
in my dream, i saw myself woke up but got annoyed because it felt like someone is attemting to touch my hair. i could only see his/her hand. i'm not even sure if its a male or a female. as i avoid the intruder, i didn't noticed that i crazily turned around and ended up at my other roomate's bed. then, i woke her up and asked me about what happened to me but i can't answer her. it seems that my lips were sealed and no voice could come out from my mouth. when i looked back to my bed, i was surprised to see that its already positioned parallel with the window. i also noticed that there were three angry faces looking at me, almost similar to masks worn during festivals or religous rituals by ethnics. that time, i felt fear and wanna scream or run but i can't do it. it seems my feet were also glued on the floor. something stops me. then my other two roomates woke up too but all of them left the room. i was alone then and started to move back. overwhelmed with horror thoughts, i ran as fast as i could along the corridors without any directions, silently crying. i tried to find my roomates but they're gone. then, suddenly, i wasn't aware that i was heading towards the comfort room at the groundfloor, just below our room but eventually went out. i also tried to leave the retreat house when i realized that i was in the street. it's wet and seems like it just rained. i continued walking when i noticed some live wires along the way. so, i carefully stepped over those. and from a distance, i saw the building of power plant in our town. then, beside it is the retreat house where i came from. i really don't know what happened but its like something is pulling me to go back to that house without being resistant. i was thinking of nowhere to go but only to that place. so, i finally got inside and as i step on the gate, i realized that i'm at the door of my room where i stayed for the retreat. suddently, i heard someone crying and recognized it as my son's voice. i slowly opened the door and confirmed that it was indeed my son, lying across the bed, crying. his position on the bed seems forming like an inverted cross. upon seeing it, i didn't believe that it was my real son right away. when i checked on his eyes, i noticed that those were sharp and pointed and he's also wearing a grinning smile. and it somewhat demonic in the way he stares at me. so frightened about what i discovered, i stepped backward, feeling helpless and crying... but without being aware about it, there was still a little courage left for me which made me repeatedly uttered the name of "Jesus! God help me! God!. all of the sudden, the child stood up from bed and quickly walked away heading towards the other side of the room and eventually lost in my sight. i was still standing at the door step when the door is slowly closing and pushing me out of the room. afterwards, i woke up. still afraid and exausted with sweat all over my face and neck but somewhat felt relieved that i had escaped from that terrifying dream.
the following morning, i relayed my experience to my roomates and they were surprised to hear it. they thought about theories on why such thing happened to me. one angle that we digged into is about the bed. earlier in the morning of the first day, i got the extra mattress of the bed on the other side of the room and piled it on my mattress. i did it to make myself more comfortable in sleeping since it will not be used anyway. my roomates told me that in some way i took something that is not supposed to be for me and didn't asked any permission to do so. there might be some elements or spirits who dwelled on that bed which were disturbed about what i did. oh! how careless i am if that theory is true. consequently, when i was taking a nap on that same bed, one of my roomate made a ritual to drive away the mentioned spirits.
now, i still have a chill whenever i recall that experience. yet, i could never imagine how great the power of God's name. i can't also help bringing in mind the bible verse and prayer, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me" (Psalm 23:4).
Above all, i thank all those who prayed for me earlier on that day prior to the incident. i asked their prayer of healing and guidance for my entire retreat experience. and i am happy that they did. because of their effort, i was saved. God is my savior. He is the only one who could save me from the wrath of evil and in the midst of danger.

generous heart...

my lips are cold... since words are futile... for i already said what i wanna say but he never listens. my mind is tired in thinking about us... about our promise... but i believe this already been long broken...

he stares like he doesn't know me anymore... his glances are not mine now... his hand held mine but its never the same as before.... and his touch, his tender touch no longer exalts my soul...

then, silence caught us... but it feels like its never solemn... my heart is telling me to let go for there's no use to fight for what i felt... when his heart is so generous... for he loves another... then another... then another...

i don't wanna go for this neverending journey of pain and i'm hoping that everything will go well... he deserves someone who is very much like him... someone who has a generous heart as well... =)

emptiness

sometimes in our lives, no matter how we make an effort to put things into order... there is always a moment of emptiness... it feels like a vacuum that pulls you down to uncertainty... a doubt that consumes your judgment and it could even test your disposition... affecting how you see the world and others. it's beyond being unhappy... and when this thing happens, everything turns round and round. it becomes more confusing as it started.
but i believe there's no more to argue about this. everything happened for certain damn reason as they say. the process of accepting can be unexplainably hurtful... but rewarding. well, even if things worked differently in a way you wanted, you would still end up like this... torn... because you can't stop things from happening... and you can't control some people from hurting you if you allow them to rule your life at the start. you can tell them how the pain had paralyzed you but you can never demand anything more than that........ yes... maybe, these made me empty...

What Does Silence Brings?

I felt what I suppose to feel, said what I suppose to say… done what I suppose to do...

Now, what? Well, I believe that the next move is to wait until things will finally come into its place, by being silent.
This is one way of saving one's ego. Rushing over heightened emotions can be damaging to oneself or to the people around. Sometimes, by being silent, one can be enlightened about certain issues. It is also a way of civilly dealing with conflicts. However, this doesn’t work in the long run. So, through implicitness about certain things, it doesn't mean to shun oneself from verbally communicating it to the person concerned. It is just the postponement of one's thoughts and emotions in a particular experience to have a room for introspection. This allows an individual to evaluate and look back from his/her experience. Eventually, the relentless issues will re-emerge and there’s no other means of stopping it from bugging but to deal with it and face it with courage and prudence. If that day comes... when silence becomes a deafening aspect of the relationship's phase, at least one has discerned about the said concerns while any possible areas of it are clarified and explored. Purposely, this is an important process of making a sound judgment. Therefore, it is never wrong to be once in a while silence oneself towards concerns because maybe one might just need a little time to think things over... =)

More Than Just Pictures

I love to take pictures and I usually post these in my cyber social network accounts. These pictures are about the different events and milestones in my life. Parties, gatherings or even “sweet nothings” with friends and relatives are no exemption. No matter how embarrassing it can be, I’m not afraid to show it to anyone that I had experienced pure bliss with those people I care and love. At times, it is nostalgic since it brings back my feelings from that very instant it was taken. Whenever I take a glance of it, my heart leaps with excitement and it seems like retelling the wonderful moments I had from that event.

As a picture bestows delightfulness to my spirit, however, it can also make me feel sad, agitated or even cry for it reminds me of certain individuals and undertakings concerning it. Particularly, if the person in it is someone I don’t like or is involved to certain issues I am facing, it allows my repressed feelings to come into my awareness.

On the other hand, for some people, pictures are used as a medium of art and beauty, a perspective about the world and its surroundings or simply an expression of what they believe of who they really are. I got to see my friend's works and I find it very overwhelming. Each image has its own story to tell, a view to discuss or something to constructively criticize. However, one common element that I could see is passion and photography has taken into a different level.

There are numerous ways on how pictures have become a significant tool for depiction of self and the world. Therefore, I believe that these are not just mere images of people, things or events… these are imprints of the relationship's dynamics, feelings, perspectives and experiences which people are considering as treasures of time.

Music and Me

It’s a usual thing on a Saturday to have a half day of work in the office and the first thing in mind the moment I arrive there is to turn my pc on and sets up the speakers for another music tripping. I like to start my day humming or accompanying my favorite songs as I carry out my tasks. This helps me ease out my mood from a stressful traffic jam before coming to the office.

Most of my song choices are not something really new. I’ve been hearing these for the past 12-15 years on air. The Corrs, Jewel, The Lighthouse, Mariah and Selena are “a must” in my most wanted song list. I also like some local bands such as Mymp, Side A, Rivermaya, E-heads and others even though most of those which I mentioned do not anymore exist nowadays but their music continues to live on. Nina, Sarah, and Leah Salonga are the “divas” whose voices I really admire and I’m trying to mirror them in terms of styles in singing.

Whenever I feel like lonesome, I would listen to classical, instrumental and christian songs such as Jim Brickman’s, Josh Groban’s, Casting Crows, Enya or Gregorian’s chant. I’m also fond of bossa, jazz or country pop which usually appear in my videoke shindigs with my family and friends whenever, wherever. Mariȇ Digby and Colbie Calliat amuse me with their genres while Beyoncȇ, Lady Gaga, Rhianna astonish me with their crazy dance moves in wild pumping beat.

By the way, let me tell you a brief history of this music madness. It’s too long to account everything here so, I might only mention a few details. All of us in the family loves to sing. My parents are both musically inclined. They actually inspired me to love it too. According to them, we came from a clan of musicians and singers particularly at my father side. Some of our relatives are jazz musicians and singers here in Davao. Few of them occassionally plays or sings overseas. I remember in a reunion that all of us sang while my uncle played the piano. Their voices are compared to performers on TV.

When I was young, I would listen to my parents as they croon for Frank Sinatra’s and Matt Monroe’s. My two big brothers are also crazy about new wave. A lot of people don’t know that Manong Micmic’s voice, the eldest among the siblings sounds like a pro. Manong Ian who is next to him is funny and more outgoing so he’s usually the first one to initiate our videoke sessions. He is a die hard fan of Martin Nievera. However, Manang Loving, my only sister likes jazz and mellow songs.

When I was 12, my music teacher urged us in the class to sing or else we’ll fail in his subject for the finals. That was the first time I sang in public. On the other hand, I was too shy to express my interest in music during high school years so, I just sing for my friends or for class activities. In college, I like to hang out with a guitar or with MTV’s during weekends. However, my friends told me to audition for “Carillion”, a glee club in school where I studied and so I did and luckily I got accepted as S2 (Soprano 2). Shortly, I also entered in “Sub-dom 7”, the school chapel’s choir. I believed then that through the involvement in these types of groups it would help me boost my self- confidence and uplift my self-esteem. Well, it’s a typical issue among teenagers. It’s the need to prove something for themselves and for the people around them... in order “to belong”.

My obsession about participating in various singing groups never stop until I joined the “Himig Singers”, a choir group outside the school community that had won a number of awards and recognitions in choir competitions both emerging in local and international affairs. I was one of the two youngest members in the group. Most of them are professionals and would go to the practice after office hours. I would remember having sessions for twice a week and still up until 11:00 pm until 12 :00 midnight just to finish a few pieces. And as far as I could recall, when I started that time, the group was aiming for a competition at Florida, USA in six months time. I never knew how big the group was until I finally got to work with them for a few months. I was with them for barely 5 months due to my class schedules and other personal matters. Hence, from that short period, I learned the value of discipline, commitment and cooperation. No matter how painful or lowly life can become and no matter how you view the impossibility of things, there’s no reason to not to persevere and reach for your goal.

As I looked back, I may have few regrets for not pursuing at “Himig” but what is important now is that it somewhat answered my questions about myself and in life per se. Sometimes, there are life events which give you the “kick” that you need to stay on track. Everyday is a learning day as they say and many of these come with experiences that would surely bring you into a loft. Maybe, it’s for the purpose of showing you a closer picture on the things which you don’t previously understand. Oh how I just love my life… it’s full of rich experiences that brought me to where I am right now and not to anywhere else.

I thank God for giving me the love for music. Without it, life for me is dull and ordinary for sure. Have a nice music tripping day!