generous heart...

my lips are cold... since words are futile... for i already said what i wanna say but he never listens. my mind is tired in thinking about us... about our promise... but i believe this already been long broken...

he stares like he doesn't know me anymore... his glances are not mine now... his hand held mine but its never the same as before.... and his touch, his tender touch no longer exalts my soul...

then, silence caught us... but it feels like its never solemn... my heart is telling me to let go for there's no use to fight for what i felt... when his heart is so generous... for he loves another... then another... then another...

i don't wanna go for this neverending journey of pain and i'm hoping that everything will go well... he deserves someone who is very much like him... someone who has a generous heart as well... =)

emptiness

sometimes in our lives, no matter how we make an effort to put things into order... there is always a moment of emptiness... it feels like a vacuum that pulls you down to uncertainty... a doubt that consumes your judgment and it could even test your disposition... affecting how you see the world and others. it's beyond being unhappy... and when this thing happens, everything turns round and round. it becomes more confusing as it started.
but i believe there's no more to argue about this. everything happened for certain damn reason as they say. the process of accepting can be unexplainably hurtful... but rewarding. well, even if things worked differently in a way you wanted, you would still end up like this... torn... because you can't stop things from happening... and you can't control some people from hurting you if you allow them to rule your life at the start. you can tell them how the pain had paralyzed you but you can never demand anything more than that........ yes... maybe, these made me empty...

What Does Silence Brings?

I felt what I suppose to feel, said what I suppose to say… done what I suppose to do...

Now, what? Well, I believe that the next move is to wait until things will finally come into its place, by being silent.
This is one way of saving one's ego. Rushing over heightened emotions can be damaging to oneself or to the people around. Sometimes, by being silent, one can be enlightened about certain issues. It is also a way of civilly dealing with conflicts. However, this doesn’t work in the long run. So, through implicitness about certain things, it doesn't mean to shun oneself from verbally communicating it to the person concerned. It is just the postponement of one's thoughts and emotions in a particular experience to have a room for introspection. This allows an individual to evaluate and look back from his/her experience. Eventually, the relentless issues will re-emerge and there’s no other means of stopping it from bugging but to deal with it and face it with courage and prudence. If that day comes... when silence becomes a deafening aspect of the relationship's phase, at least one has discerned about the said concerns while any possible areas of it are clarified and explored. Purposely, this is an important process of making a sound judgment. Therefore, it is never wrong to be once in a while silence oneself towards concerns because maybe one might just need a little time to think things over... =)

More Than Just Pictures

I love to take pictures and I usually post these in my cyber social network accounts. These pictures are about the different events and milestones in my life. Parties, gatherings or even “sweet nothings” with friends and relatives are no exemption. No matter how embarrassing it can be, I’m not afraid to show it to anyone that I had experienced pure bliss with those people I care and love. At times, it is nostalgic since it brings back my feelings from that very instant it was taken. Whenever I take a glance of it, my heart leaps with excitement and it seems like retelling the wonderful moments I had from that event.

As a picture bestows delightfulness to my spirit, however, it can also make me feel sad, agitated or even cry for it reminds me of certain individuals and undertakings concerning it. Particularly, if the person in it is someone I don’t like or is involved to certain issues I am facing, it allows my repressed feelings to come into my awareness.

On the other hand, for some people, pictures are used as a medium of art and beauty, a perspective about the world and its surroundings or simply an expression of what they believe of who they really are. I got to see my friend's works and I find it very overwhelming. Each image has its own story to tell, a view to discuss or something to constructively criticize. However, one common element that I could see is passion and photography has taken into a different level.

There are numerous ways on how pictures have become a significant tool for depiction of self and the world. Therefore, I believe that these are not just mere images of people, things or events… these are imprints of the relationship's dynamics, feelings, perspectives and experiences which people are considering as treasures of time.

Music and Me

It’s a usual thing on a Saturday to have a half day of work in the office and the first thing in mind the moment I arrive there is to turn my pc on and sets up the speakers for another music tripping. I like to start my day humming or accompanying my favorite songs as I carry out my tasks. This helps me ease out my mood from a stressful traffic jam before coming to the office.

Most of my song choices are not something really new. I’ve been hearing these for the past 12-15 years on air. The Corrs, Jewel, The Lighthouse, Mariah and Selena are “a must” in my most wanted song list. I also like some local bands such as Mymp, Side A, Rivermaya, E-heads and others even though most of those which I mentioned do not anymore exist nowadays but their music continues to live on. Nina, Sarah, and Leah Salonga are the “divas” whose voices I really admire and I’m trying to mirror them in terms of styles in singing.

Whenever I feel like lonesome, I would listen to classical, instrumental and christian songs such as Jim Brickman’s, Josh Groban’s, Casting Crows, Enya or Gregorian’s chant. I’m also fond of bossa, jazz or country pop which usually appear in my videoke shindigs with my family and friends whenever, wherever. Mariȇ Digby and Colbie Calliat amuse me with their genres while Beyoncȇ, Lady Gaga, Rhianna astonish me with their crazy dance moves in wild pumping beat.

By the way, let me tell you a brief history of this music madness. It’s too long to account everything here so, I might only mention a few details. All of us in the family loves to sing. My parents are both musically inclined. They actually inspired me to love it too. According to them, we came from a clan of musicians and singers particularly at my father side. Some of our relatives are jazz musicians and singers here in Davao. Few of them occassionally plays or sings overseas. I remember in a reunion that all of us sang while my uncle played the piano. Their voices are compared to performers on TV.

When I was young, I would listen to my parents as they croon for Frank Sinatra’s and Matt Monroe’s. My two big brothers are also crazy about new wave. A lot of people don’t know that Manong Micmic’s voice, the eldest among the siblings sounds like a pro. Manong Ian who is next to him is funny and more outgoing so he’s usually the first one to initiate our videoke sessions. He is a die hard fan of Martin Nievera. However, Manang Loving, my only sister likes jazz and mellow songs.

When I was 12, my music teacher urged us in the class to sing or else we’ll fail in his subject for the finals. That was the first time I sang in public. On the other hand, I was too shy to express my interest in music during high school years so, I just sing for my friends or for class activities. In college, I like to hang out with a guitar or with MTV’s during weekends. However, my friends told me to audition for “Carillion”, a glee club in school where I studied and so I did and luckily I got accepted as S2 (Soprano 2). Shortly, I also entered in “Sub-dom 7”, the school chapel’s choir. I believed then that through the involvement in these types of groups it would help me boost my self- confidence and uplift my self-esteem. Well, it’s a typical issue among teenagers. It’s the need to prove something for themselves and for the people around them... in order “to belong”.

My obsession about participating in various singing groups never stop until I joined the “Himig Singers”, a choir group outside the school community that had won a number of awards and recognitions in choir competitions both emerging in local and international affairs. I was one of the two youngest members in the group. Most of them are professionals and would go to the practice after office hours. I would remember having sessions for twice a week and still up until 11:00 pm until 12 :00 midnight just to finish a few pieces. And as far as I could recall, when I started that time, the group was aiming for a competition at Florida, USA in six months time. I never knew how big the group was until I finally got to work with them for a few months. I was with them for barely 5 months due to my class schedules and other personal matters. Hence, from that short period, I learned the value of discipline, commitment and cooperation. No matter how painful or lowly life can become and no matter how you view the impossibility of things, there’s no reason to not to persevere and reach for your goal.

As I looked back, I may have few regrets for not pursuing at “Himig” but what is important now is that it somewhat answered my questions about myself and in life per se. Sometimes, there are life events which give you the “kick” that you need to stay on track. Everyday is a learning day as they say and many of these come with experiences that would surely bring you into a loft. Maybe, it’s for the purpose of showing you a closer picture on the things which you don’t previously understand. Oh how I just love my life… it’s full of rich experiences that brought me to where I am right now and not to anywhere else.

I thank God for giving me the love for music. Without it, life for me is dull and ordinary for sure. Have a nice music tripping day!

craziness about "miss you like crazy" (,")(",)

it was about two weeks ago when i first saw the trailer of the movie, "miss you like crazy" starred by two of the philippine's most popular actors and actresses in the movie industry, john lloyd cruz and bea alonzo. i'm not really a fan of them but i just like the themes of their projects... and of course, it's all about love. so, me and my long time friends since high school ( rose, liza and jinky) got an idea to watch the movie. as always, i had a great time with them despite the adventures that we've been through before we could finally sit and calm down. we just laughed at those experiences because what is more important for us that moment is to view the film by hook or by crook. Consequently , at the front row of the movie house, we found our seats with our heads positioned slightly upward towards the big, overwhelming wide screen in front of us. i just can't imagine on how we might handle it if we failed to buy the tickets beforehand. we might otherwise postpone the viewing until the last full show at 10:30 pm or decide to go for another schedule and the worst that could happen, we might not anymore watch it. I guess it's too much for us to bear if those things would happen. we seemed anxious at the start but smiles and laughter later bloomed as the excitement rises upon watching the movie. some of us even cried because a number of the scenes had touched us . perhaps, it was about at some point in our lives when we missed someone that we love but never had a chance to have a happy ending with that person. alternatively but plainly, it could also about bea and lloydie's styles in acting . those were effective enough to let us shed some tears.
the movie's plot is simple. the boy meets the girl in an unexpected instance. they got to know each other, discovers each other's differences and similarities and eventually, they fell in love. however, they were prophecized to be together eternally on feb 24, 2010. but the boy is not available for her because he had already someone else. so, they parted ways and after a few years, destiny drew them again together . despite the complications of their situations, they still managed to admit to themselves that they are crazy in love with each other after all those years. at the end, love ruled and they live happily ever after.
on the other hand, one of the quotes in the movie that really struck me is "in love, time is meaningless because it has its own time". i do believe in this idea. you can never hurry love. it moves mountain and it crosses rivers. no matter how bad the circumstances are, no matter how complicated life is and no matter how you deny it... it will go to you and hunt you down.
personally, i would always tell this to myself that its really wonderful to fall in love. so, the moment it hits you, make the most out of it to the person you love. you'll never know if you dont pay attention to it, you might blow your chance.

Pets, Pets and More Pets

My son wanted to have an early dinner before the sun comes down. So, I grab some cash to buy something to cook for him at the market which is a couple of meters away from our village. When I went back home, I heard little voices arguing about something they just found. The voices came from the opposite side of the road. I saw four little girls of about 7-9 year olds. One of them is riding a bike but was just following the others by slowly pedalling it. Afterwards, I noticed that the other girl had a small pink sling bag. It was opened and I was surprised to discover that what was inside in it is a kitten, an orange, chubby tabby kitten about a week old. Then, I realized that all the while, the girls were arguing on who among them is going to adopt the kitten. They found it at the park in our village as what I overheard on their conversation.

I remember that I still have to do something so, I just continued walking but I was laughing on my mind. It feels nostalgic as I said to myself because I cannot help but recall the same scenario when I was at their age. It refreshes a lot of memories in my childhood years. Those times when my family’s life was so simple then. We were living with tamed and untamed animals. I grew up loving the pets especially cats. As a little girl or even during my teenage years, there were times that I picked up stray cats and kittens along the road as I’m heading for home from school. I don’t mind touching dirty ragged poor animals along the streets. I would gently comfort them so that I could eventually bring them home. My mother was my biggest influence on that. She also loves animals. Our house was once like a zoo. A variety of creatures were there such as martinis birds, cats, dogs, chickens, pigs, guinea pigs, rabbits, roosters, monkey, and not to mention, the turtles. My brother also tried to tame fruit bats since he likes exotic animals.

Now, I understand how these experiences had taught me to be compassionate towards animals even at an early age. It helped me develop a positive regard towards pets. Pets just simply make me happy from the daily stressors or shortcomings. They don't fail to put a smile on my face, a smile generator as I would say.

Pets are like a family to me. It was never an instant that we dont have animals in our backyard. There's always a place for cats around, meowing or for dogs, barking. It is quite silly for others who doesn't like animals. They might even take it as odd but as for me, it is something that I can't live without just like a family member does.